Eid Mubarak to all the Muslims around the world to all of our spiritual bruddas and sistas!
Remember all of those less fortunate than you and give Qurbani (sacrificial animal for meat) generously and remember them in your prayers, Ameen.
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Now for all of you who are girls over 13 and like to dress up all nice and peng or buff and that at 9 in the morning and put your pictures up on Facebook as soon so you can prove to your friends you don't look fat in the outfit they said you wouldn't look fat in anyway - JOG ON. I hate you freaks. You make me sick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cook at least 4 different dishes on one cooker whilst harbouring all 4 layers of grease in your hair, hmm? NOT EASY.
It's uncomfortable to move your hand to your head, you're lathering in double helpings of oil if you attempt to scratch.
And it's even worse being in the kitchen whilst dolled up in pop colours and sparkly embroidery and with your hair all whipped up nicely - if the curry smell fiend detects a clean person in the room, they attack and stay put on your clothes first, then make their sleazy way with the rest of your outfit.
In the first 3 seconds of entering the kitchen whilst a curry is in making progress, you will be perfumed by the ethnic stink for hours. No amount of deodorant or perfume can spray away that tamarind burnt spices smell.
But for the rest of the day, you'll be glad you're not the brunt of curry jokes. You're just fortunate that all of the girls just as primped and prim looking as you are come to meet and greet you with the smell of different dishes like chicken korma, lamb karahi and the pitifully easy-to-make but most evident food odour, samosa and pakora oil.
It's a sad way to explain my Eid, but crap, it's true. But there's an upside to it of course! The Eid money. Yeah, brap brap.
Well, no that's not even good for me. Because I've grown up, I don't feckin' get any. Apparently you're meant to be a particular age and height and there's a balance of adorable and want, and then you're eligible.
Or that I've been lied to by my evil Jewish uncle.
It was fun doing Eid as kid. I felt like a baby-drug dealer/loan shark, and the money I demanded (I didn't bully them, they just got the jist of my open outstretched hand and the words 'Eidi' forming on my mouth) from my uncles and aunties and neighbours used to amount up to at least £300 each Eid*. Imagine being a 11-year old kid who earns £600 a year for just looking cool? I didn't imagine, I became it...once upon a time ago. Damnit.
Now it's all about slaving away in the kitchen, what a bore. Some girls get it lucky; they have sister-in-laws masterly skilled in the kitchen criteria so they're super efficient. That's one good reason to get them over on the banana boat...err, but that's about it.
I have nothing else to say, other than badman wannabe boys get it easy way too many times on these special occasions. I mean, it's a religious holiday; you don't go to the mosque, to the house of God and give your holy salaam to your molvi homies to then go out to populate Edgeware Road with Pakistani/Kashmiri country flags wavin frantically out of your tinted window Black Corsa and putting the system up on full to twatti pendu Bhangra. It is so freaking dumb and in so many ways, ridiculously embarrassing.
So, this is Rosie's Official Twice Yearly Eid Rant. Enjoy it, it'll only come around twice, so it's a rare treat of blog entry, ha!
Before I finish, take this down. Do a few things to make everybody's next Eid a little nicer than usual.
Be nice to your mother and every sister you have whilst they slave away in the kitchen, ask if they want help. You may be no good with the food making process but they'll consider it a miracle if you help with the dishes.
Try to put aside family disputes during the day. You might get infuriated with someone, but if you don't resolve it calmly with a simple apology whether you made the mistake or not, it will most definitely change the course of the day for the worst.
Yes, family and friends are important but friends over family shouldn't be the case. Friends who like to spend time with friends on the during the whole of Eid normally means they very abusive towards the idea of quality family time. Don't try to be like them. It's best you do what you must with family, and even if you don't enjoy it, have patience. You can meet with friends later and you'll have more to talk about when they ask you about your day.
The more distant you be from your family on this auspicious jouful day, imagine how you'll feel when your children do the same to you in a decades time. Times change, attitudes and bad habits like this will live on through you.
And for goodness sake, you're Muslim not a Jew. It doesn't cost you to smile whilst you eat laboured food, or indeed open up your pockets and let slip a few pound notes, Uncle. Haha, joke. Well, not really. Oh, like he's really gonna read this...hope not. Eeps.
Heh, I can say stuff like this, like, cause like, I'm bad like that.
Peace, troll Troggs! Until next time...
*The first - Eid-Ul-Fitr, is just after fasting 30 days in the month of Ramadan. The second is Eid-ul-Ahda, which celebrates the completion on pilgrimage [Hajj] in Mecca.
