That could only mean... HAPPY NEW YEARS!
Ahhh, NYs is like my second birthday cause I get to spend time with friends get to stay out late - it's the closest I'll ever get to clubbing; the plasma TV blaring tinny bhangra and us, all cramped into the small living room with Wotsits and stale popcorn swinging our arms side to side and us switching our salwar-kameez-&-trainers swagger up to the max til the Abu-Jee comes storming in through the front door from a taxi break.
From then on, it kinda just goes flat and we all complain about having a headache (oh, it's a splitting headache!) from drinking (sigh, tis sad) coke and swinging our arms a little too much and how we'll never make it to work on time tomorrow.
When your friends do that, you got yourself a pooper of a party. Damn.
But enough about some sad little Pakis who really DON'T socialise with me, I'm just working off from some other people's experiences...ahem.
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Lets talk about the White folks NYs!
On every NYs, some of you white folks are funny as freaky feck. You guys start your night by drinking shots of what looks like cute fruity cups from a friends house, just to fill up the little post-Xmas cheer and you then drink the little heavier stuff, the good ole' Vodka.
That's not the funny part. Yet.
Then it's a little more drinky-drinky before getting into a hired van that'll take you to a muggy student-esque club, and you're taking irrelevant pictures of yourself and your few 'good' mates, taking more than necessary to prove to your Facebook fake mates what a grey-hey-hate time you're having riding an ugly bus that has pee poo puke stains scattered across the vehicle matted carpet and upholstery.
And then you're in the middle of the dance floor skanking in the midst of some very ugly-by-nature-made-beautiful-by-beer horny people. Mainly of them fuglers are your 'few' friends making the crowd uneasy and appearing horrified at the stench of BO coming from y'all who refuse to use Sure deoderant let alone shave your armpits properly.
You're hoping to go away with friends who'll Ping! you and you're gonna brag to your besties you've pulled and boisterously say you won't call them, when in fact the only thing you managed to pull is a muscle and break a heel and have a whiny cry in the toilets. This applies to men/boy/groys too.
And then comes my favourite part. Drunk dancing in the roads at 2am. It is like The Night of the Living Dead, but the title would be appropriately changed to 'Night of the Pissheads' where sleeping secrets are awoken and shattered by the sound of a bottle breaking, and that's when you know it's cause it's a piss poor aim at somebody's partner soon-to-be ex cause they've slept with the 47-year old neighbour. How exciting to hear at such a time, hmm?
And it's guys like YOU that make me consider making those stupid breakable New Year resolutions. I want to do more when I see dumb ass shit like that happen outside my house, it annoys me on most occasions but weirdly enough never on New Years eve through to New Years day.
It's a time to rethink our values and what we want to achieve this year from relationships, work, health and the way we live life. It's a horrid tradition, making resolutions, but the feeling you get when you set a goal and want to make a fresh start with it, well we all a little excited don't we?
Keeping a promise to ourselves? For the better, for the greater good, hmm?
IT NEVER WORKS. Anyone who tells me they've stuck to it this year will be branded a liar, and they will find themselves punished by a size 5 Converse trainer travelling halfway up their butt. And don't think I won't retrieve it and go for another try, cause you won't believe what my NYs reso is...
My New Years Resolution: KICK SOME ROODY POODY ASS. Nice and easy, very flexible to do whenever. Have a good year, you freaky Troggs!
